ANXIETY

MOS DEF | “kalifornia”

In the sky of life
In certain hotspots where these meteors and stars have a tendency to fall
And legend has it . . . that California is one of those spots
I believe that to be true…

All of a sudden, I have this feeling of worry and fear. I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m all the way here. Here, in California. I don’t miss London, I don’t miss home. My heart is beating so fast. It wants to jump out of my mouth but I can’t even find the words to block this feeling, describe it or to bring my heart back down to where it needs to be. I can’t hold anything properly because I don’t want to see it shake. I can feel my blood and it’s diluted with fear. I don’t know why I feel scared, and I haven’t eaten properly in ages. I think this is anxiety. I know this because I googled it AND it didn’t feel this way when I drove to Hollywood with my friend [pictured above], who came to visit me from London. We stood on the hills and looked over Los Angeles as the sun swaps shifts with the moon discretely, messing about with the camera, the caution sign, and the bin.

You look at Los Angeles from the top, and see she has a lot to offer. But when you are at the bottom, she can make you sad. Sad, because reality is the shadow that constantly follows you around when the sun goes down, and the street lights go up. I’m somehow in love with this place, I really am. But seeing homelessness a block away from a famous landmark really puts you into perspective. And I’m far from rich, I don’t come from an affluent area, I’m actually from an infamous place in London. But I never really see this. And yes, there are some homeless people in places like Victoria, Westminster and so forth but in my opinion, it’s not as grave as it is here. (That’s not undermining homelessness in London or as a whole.) But I guess the reason why it plays in my mind so much is because I can easily walk away, or even drive from it all. It makes me think how fucked up things can really get, and how most of what I learnt in school was all a fucking lie!

But there’s this little part in my heart that believes that one day it will get better, but the question is when?

I’ve gone off on a tangent and I suppose I’m diggin’ up stuff because I wanna save myself. I don’t know what’s going on tho. I think next week, I’ll practice the essence of silence except from in class but I rarely speak in classes anyway?! I think it is a familiar practice in Buddhism, although I’m not really sure.

If you’ve read this far, sorry for any typo’s or mistakes. I didn’t plan to write this. I hope life is treating you well and if you didn’t know . . they call me purplevagabond .

many peace, X

p.s. I’m really still feeling this anxiety thing #sigh